Monday, May 28, 2012

A tough evening......

So as you know, I like to use my blog as a journal as well as a place to share my crafty inspirations.  This post is just because I need to vent, so bear with me. 

I sit here with tears rolling down my face wondering why, why, why?   Tyler came to me this evening and told me he has been thinking, and he wants to go live with his dad for the summer.  I know the answer to the why, and it is so unfair!  I just want to shake him and make him see things clearly, but I can't. 

Backtracking to the beginning....... When Tyler was born, his dad and I agreed that he would pay $35 a week in child support and he would stay with him every other weekend.  We have never gone through the courts and just worked things out between us.  Mind you, I have had to bust my butt to provide everything for my kids.  I have never put up a fuss if his dad didn't pay his child support, sometimes for months on end.  Since I grew up without a dad in my life, it was more important to me that he spend time with Tyler. 

We have always told Tyler that he is "lucky" to have 2 dads.  My husband has been there since he was a baby, loves him and treats him no differently than Emily.  

His bio dad is a decent guy, just very irresponsible and a "weekend dad".  Sometimes he has a job, sometimes he doesn't.   He never calls in between weekends just to say Hi to Tyler or find out or how his week has been.  Heck, on his 16th birthday, he didn't even call until the next day.

On the flipside, when Tyler goes there for the weekend, they do lots of fun things.  So, it's all fun and games while he is there.  His dad doesn't have to teach him responsibility, punish, or any of the other not so fun things that being a parent involves.  That has always been the job of my husband and I.  I have always felt that as Tyler gets older and more mature, he will come to his own conclusions. 

I know it is only 5 miles away, but how do we give the okay for this?  How can we say no?  He is 16 and this is what he wants to do.  Do I put my foot down and cause tension between everyone, possibly have to deal with the courts, only for them to say at 16, he can choose where he wants to live. 

Tyler assures me it is just for the summer, but what if he wants to stay?  How can I possibly come home everyday and he not be here?  I can't be a "weekend mom".  I feel like I have failed, because he wants to leave. 

He is such a good kid, he doesn't drink or do drugs, he has a good head on his shoulders.  How can I let him do this in hopes that he will continue on the straight and narrow?   How can I take the chance?  I feel like his future is riding on this.  I know in my heart I have raised him well, and that I have to trust that the morals instilled will carry him through.  But, he is just 16, such an impressionable age. 

I want to shake Tyler and say, don't you think if he wanted you to live with him, he would have fought me in the courts way back when.  Whenever you are sick, need a ride, need money, or need to talk, who is it you come to?  Its my husband and I.  We have been given the role of the responsible parents, no its not all fun and games, but it is reality.  It is our job to help you become a self sufficient adult, which means we can't always be your "friend". 

I want to scream at his dad and say why?  Why all of a sudden are you okay with this?  He is 16, he needs structure and guidelines which I am afraid you will not enforce.  Oh yeah, and if you think I will continue paying the high insurance premiums, your flipping crazy!  Living with you, you get it all.  The medical bills, the health insurance premium, school clothes, all of it!  I will give you $35 a week if I feel like it and see how far that gets you!

Of course, screaming and shaking will get me nowhere.  So, I won't really do that.  It sure felt good for a minute though. 

Hopefully, I can get a little sleep now.  I hope to have some new crafty inspiration soon, there hasn't been much time for creating over this past week.


  1. I'm so sorry you're having to face this. :(
    I hope you got some sleep before reading this.

    I have not been through your particular situation, but I have grown kids... 29 and 31. So this is JMHO (just my humble opinion):

    1) You said your ex sometimes has a job and sometimes not.... First, I don't think he'd have the money it takes to take you to court over this, and second, with a sporatic income, I don't think any judge would see that as a good situation to put a teenager in.

    2) You said your son has a good head on his shoulders... sit him down and have a heart-to-heart HONEST conversation with him. Tell him your fears about the outcome. Reason with him about his dad's "all fun" and no responsibilty attitude. Give him scenarios about what he himself would do if he were a father. Have him try to put himself in your place, and ask what he'd do then.

    3) It's not easy being a parent. When all is said and done, you have to make a decision that you can live with. What will your son be doing when his dad does work? Any supervision there? Even really good kids can get into a lot of trouble pretty quickly, when nobody is watching! If you let him go, and it turns out to be a big mistake, could you live with yourself then?

    4) Maybe he could go for a few days at a time, when his dad's not working, so at least he'd be around.

    I know every situation is different, and I don't know all the facts, but just with what you've said in your post.... if it were me... there is NO WAY, no how, I would let him go.

    It would be a whole different story if his dad had always been a responsible parent.... true parents should NOT be their children's "friends" until after they are completly grown up. Parents are there to nuture, love, teach and guide them into being responsible, loving adults themselves.

    His future "IS" riding on this.... parents are also there to protect them, even when they don't think they need to be protected. You may just have to say NO. But try to make him understand the reasons behind that decision. He may get mad for awhile, but it will pass.

    Our children don't have to like us all the time. We're the parents... they're not supposed to.

  2. I don't have any advice to share. I just wanted you to know that I'm reading, I hear the pain in your words and I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. Angie I'm sorry to hear what is going on,it hard to let your children decide to do what they want,I alwas have talk to my kids dad to figure out things.does Tyler's dad know that he want to move in with him,alot of time it just alot of talk,my son is alwas alot of talk and no action. Sometime that is what boys go though. This may not help but I been though it alot with Kyle and he will be 21 in June,not looking forward to that.!!!!! Love ya girl

  4. Angie, I went through a similar situation when my kids were young. Most divorced parents do. You said your son has a good head on his shoulders so trust that and don't make too big a deal out of it. You might be dying inside, but if you tell your son that, he could very well feel you don't trust him...he did say he wanted to do this just for the summer. I wouldn't confront him with too much unless he decides to stay. That's when I would open up and tell him how you feel. It could be that he just wants to get to know his dad better, and decide for himself what kind of a person he is. Once he's done that it is a good probability that he will be content to come back home to his family. If you make too much of a fuss about it now, he's going to feel that you don't trust him instead of not trusting the birth father. And it's better that he does this at 16 and has you and your husband to go home to than doing it at 18 or 20 when he feels that he shouldn't be going home to you. And remember, he's not deciding to do this because he's angry with you...he just wants to spend some time with his dad and that is completely normal. Hug yourself for me. Megan

  5. I'm new to your blog and read this and my heart is in my throat for you ;-) Hug! I have a 29 year old son that I feared how he would turn out (divorced from his father when he was 2 and the father wandered in and out of our lives occasionally - no child support - you know the story). I did my best to raise him basically alone and you know what?! He turned out to be the hugest blessing in my life! he was an ADD pill as a kid but now has a good head on his shoulders for making decisions and financially he is sound and I am just so thankful. So just know that you and your husband have grounded him and taught him those morals and values and I just bet that you will only be blessed to let him go do this and see what good decisions he makes - and in the process he will learn who and what his bio father is all about.
    Be well and be blessed!!
    Wendy in Tucson